My Past

In a lot of ways, my past is always present in my mind. I have a good past in some ways, but in other ways, a past that I'd like to forget a lot of. I look back and wonder who that girl was and why I worried about certain things that I did, or remember how I'd mistreated someone and feel so ashamed because of it. Now that I'm raising a little girl (and little boy, but this post is pertaining to her right now) I often find myself afraid of passing on things from my past that I didn't like from my childhood. For instance, I sometimes find myself frustrated with my mom for embarrassing me in public so I make sure I don't do things to embarrass Kylee to spare her from the feeling of embarrassment. Make sense? So Kylee is in dance class and this year they decided to change the uniform. Since I'd spent $50 on her uniform last year I decided that she would just have to be happy with that. Then I got lucky and received a bag of hand-me-downs from someone at church. Coincidentally, we received the very same tutu that was her new uniform in the bag, just an older version of it! SCORE! So at dance class, Kylee realizes that her version is a bit different. I think the previous owner must have put it in the dryer and the tutu material shrunk/melted a bit. So, I take a trip to Spotlight, the "JoAnn's" of Australia, and buy some new tulle to sew her a new skirt onto her old tutu. 'Easy, great idea, I can totally make this look like the other girls in her class' I'm thinking to myself as I cut, and buy the new material. Then, after the kids are in bed >sigh< I pull out the sewing machine and everything I'll need to get started. I have the unpicker in my hand and just before I start to unpick, a sudden emotion flows over me. Something from my past has crept up and is stopping me from going on. "what if I ruin this" "what if she looks different" "why don't I just buy the real thing so she's not the odd one out with a homemade tutu?" "what if people at her class make fun of her?" "what if she's annoyed with me because I'm the one who is making her different?" "can I do this? I only have one shot" About a half an hour later, I realized what was happening. I was dealing with my past while working on my daughters future. I only get one chance to raise this girl, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's kind of freakin' me out! I hate to say that I'm not happy with things from my past, but I'm not. I hated being different. I was the girl with the homemade dress, the homemade doll, the homemade lunch, the home cut hair cut, and while most people said I was lucky, I didn't think so. I just wanted a store bought dress, a salon hair cut, a "real" american doll. Even though my mom worked really hard and was really good at making/ cutting/ and sewing things for me. I didn't appreciate it and often "stuck" out from the crowd because of it. All I wanted to do was fit in. But last night, I realized how my mom probably felt while raising me. She did everything for me out of love. She tried her hardest to give me what she thought I wanted and I'm lucky for that. It has taken me a long time to realize that and having my own daughter has really helped, but I fear that it will take a lot longer for me to come to terms with it all. I also realized that Kylee is different from me and may not even care about being like every one else. I need to make sure I don't pass on that fear/insecurity to her by the way I act. So here's to the future and trying our best to do what we think is right. And here's to forgiveness and understanding of our past, in hopes to make our future free from worry.
p.s. I started the tutu and so far, it looks pretty good, if I do say so myself! :)