Birthdays

Well, I've done it again. Planned a birthday party and fed and entertained 20 or so people. Did I do it alone? Heck no. Do I wonder why I do these things to myself? You bet.
I have this problem. I have really good ideas and imagine grand and wonderful things but the actual carrying it out doesn't really seem to be a reality to me. It happened with my wedding and has happened a lot since. What I imagine and what actually happens are two VERY different things. I guess I don't realize what it takes to carry things out. The planning, the time, and the work. Well, this happened again, today.

My heart was actually racing before people had even arrived and even the people who came early to help, made me nervous. What are they going to think of me? Will they know that I actually can do things right, this just was a bad day? The first guess who arrived got put on streamer duty while the second to arrive got put on "bake the party pies" duty and the third to arrive got "blow up the balloons" duty. Luckily all of these people are my friends and know me, but I was still so embarrassed. I didn't pull it all together like I thought I would and the food table did not look like anything that would ever make it on pinterest (not. even. close.) Half way through I realized the veggies that were supposed to be beautifully cut and displayed never even made it out of the fridge drawer and the healthy almond ball things I was going to make for a gluten free friend were so not going to happen. ugh. At the point of wanting to go in my room and shut my door, a lovely friend gives me a hug and asks what she can do to help. I wish I knew! I can't really think straight so I can't tell you! And, as the house that I frantically cleaned became a tornado zone within 10 minutes in, I realize I've got to CHILL OUT! This is for the kids. Phrases like, "I don't know where the kitty costume is, go ask your daddy" or "Jeremy, Ethan needs you" and "It's in the dress up basket, go have a look yourself" start coming out and I suddenly realize I don't actually have to do everything and please every one! Aha! Yes! Genius!
Of course there's the fact that I didn't finish getting myself ready in time so my frizzy thick hair is a bit like a mane and my tired eyes look plain and I glance at myself feeling a bit guilty that I didn't take the time to get ready and my guests have put on make up buy I haven't!

Ok, seriously. Enough is enough! Who cares???!!!! Why do I worry so much about what people are thinking? Why do I compare myself and my capabilities with others'? Do you know what people said to me at the party once I finally chilled and chatted for awhile? They said that it was such a fun party and the kids had had a blast and were happy and entertained themselves! Not to mention, all the food was gone which means they mustn't have cared about how cute it looked and the party lasted much longer than I planned because none of the kids wanted to leave! So as I sit writing this out I have just realized that I view myself so differently than reality. I'm hard on myself, I doubt myself, I set unnecessary expectations on myself, I think I'm ugly, I think people can see right through me into all the ugly that's inside, I worry too much, and I usually think I need to change who I am, or at least alter what people think about me. Ugh, how negative am I? I really love being around positive people and actually have the capability to be quite positive myself but boy have I let myself go. I am going to try and remember all this now. I'm not going to say I'm going to change because I don't need to change who I am, I just need to practice letting out the good that's in me, and not let the negative stuff out. I need to feed the thoughts that I want to grow. I need to love myself and remember to build myself up. I managed to throw a party for my little girl. She was happy (most of the time) and that's really what matters.

And now, instead of FBing the night away, I blogged and that feels pretty good :)
Good night ya'll!
Chelsey

I'm BACK!

Ok, so I don't keep a journal and every day I make "entries" in my head of what I would write about my life and my day if I had the time and energy to actually sit down and write. Well, not anymore. I'm writing it down for real because seriously, time is slipping away and I fear that I may one day forget all that goes on in my head. I used to blog for whoever would read my posts but I'm not doing that any more either. I'm writing for me. And for my family. And for my future. So read if you want, or don't, I don't care because I will be here. Writing. I'm not really worried about offending others or embarrassing myself because I need to have a place for me to be me. So there's that.

Today, I met up with a friend up the road. I packed two big bags full of food and another bag with my thermomix in it. We were going to bake up a storm. And, cook for the next few days to get ahead of ourselves. I should mention my friend has 3 kids too. Just like me, an almost 6 yr old girl and unlike me, twin 3 year olds. (I only have one ;) ) and of course we have little wild child Braden.  Like most things I do, I misjudged my expectations and instead of having a blissful baking/cooking day, we barely made lunch and some veggie stock. We had a good laugh though. It was fun. Of course, the lunch we made (actually I made it while my friend tended to the neverending needs of the 6 children) wasn't liked by all and once we sat down to eat it, Ethan fell apart and couldn't figure out which seat to sit in and which table he preferred and of course, the bowl it was served in was all wrong. After a cuddle, tears, a smack on the face (mine) and a lecture on using your words instead of screaming, we finally decided that he would be just fine without lunch and could play while I ate my cold risotto that I'd worked on for an hour. After one bite, I was needed to help Braden who was falling off his chair, and meanwhile Ethan was upset again because he wanted a turn on the bike and would DIE if he didn't get one RIGHT NOW! I decided to zone out because seriously, I needed to eat and would also DIE if I didn't eat RIGHT NOW. Haha. I'm starting to understand where my children get their tendencies from! My friend and I just laughed as we realized how funny it was to expect to have things go perfectly. I ended up eating the rest of my kids food as well and as we were cleaning up, Ethan innocently announces that he's hungry! So I of course scooped some risotto into a bowl and hand fed him like a baby. All was well in his world again.

Meanwhile, I was trying to get a hold of Jeremy who was meant to be arriving home from class but his phone was on vibrate. (I didn't know). Of course after 2 hours with no answer, I had immediately assumed that he must be dead from a train crash or, of course, was asleep on the train or something. Luckily for me, neither was true. He was mowing the lawn. What a lovely husband I have. He uses his spare time to mow the lawn and start another load of laundry. If it were me and I came home to an empty house, I would've crashed on the couch and after eating something really unhealthy, losing myself in something worthless like Facebook.

Well, Braden, whom I thought was asleep, isn't and is crying out for me so I must go. I've already let him cry for 10 min :)
Chelsey