Things you gotta love...

1. Finding your cell phone and you've missed 5 calls
2. Being out all afternoon to come home and find your husband has brought the washing in from the line and hung up the next load.
3. Has folded the washing to avoid them from getting wrinkled.
4. Coming home and finding your kitchen completely clean after you left it a mess
5. When I jokingly ask, "do you want to eat dinner tonight, too?" the hubster says, "well, yes but you could just do a big pot of veggies with butter and salt on it."
6. The Hubster eats, from the pot, the left over veggies with a fork.
7. Finding my mold infested (seriously-red fabric turned black and spotty) double stroller scrubbed free of mold with a fresh scent left over, drying out side.
8. A hug from the Hubster at the door after doing all these wonderful things for me today.
9. My two children giggling while playing with their dad on the living room floor before bed. All 3 of them grinning.
10. Blogging at 11:00 pm while he lies next to me fast asleep and my burning eyes start to water :) So Tired!

Sometimes I have to remind myself just how lucky I am to have him.

My Past

In a lot of ways, my past is always present in my mind. I have a good past in some ways, but in other ways, a past that I'd like to forget a lot of. I look back and wonder who that girl was and why I worried about certain things that I did, or remember how I'd mistreated someone and feel so ashamed because of it. Now that I'm raising a little girl (and little boy, but this post is pertaining to her right now) I often find myself afraid of passing on things from my past that I didn't like from my childhood. For instance, I sometimes find myself frustrated with my mom for embarrassing me in public so I make sure I don't do things to embarrass Kylee to spare her from the feeling of embarrassment. Make sense? So Kylee is in dance class and this year they decided to change the uniform. Since I'd spent $50 on her uniform last year I decided that she would just have to be happy with that. Then I got lucky and received a bag of hand-me-downs from someone at church. Coincidentally, we received the very same tutu that was her new uniform in the bag, just an older version of it! SCORE! So at dance class, Kylee realizes that her version is a bit different. I think the previous owner must have put it in the dryer and the tutu material shrunk/melted a bit. So, I take a trip to Spotlight, the "JoAnn's" of Australia, and buy some new tulle to sew her a new skirt onto her old tutu. 'Easy, great idea, I can totally make this look like the other girls in her class' I'm thinking to myself as I cut, and buy the new material. Then, after the kids are in bed >sigh< I pull out the sewing machine and everything I'll need to get started. I have the unpicker in my hand and just before I start to unpick, a sudden emotion flows over me. Something from my past has crept up and is stopping me from going on. "what if I ruin this" "what if she looks different" "why don't I just buy the real thing so she's not the odd one out with a homemade tutu?" "what if people at her class make fun of her?" "what if she's annoyed with me because I'm the one who is making her different?" "can I do this? I only have one shot" About a half an hour later, I realized what was happening. I was dealing with my past while working on my daughters future. I only get one chance to raise this girl, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's kind of freakin' me out! I hate to say that I'm not happy with things from my past, but I'm not. I hated being different. I was the girl with the homemade dress, the homemade doll, the homemade lunch, the home cut hair cut, and while most people said I was lucky, I didn't think so. I just wanted a store bought dress, a salon hair cut, a "real" american doll. Even though my mom worked really hard and was really good at making/ cutting/ and sewing things for me. I didn't appreciate it and often "stuck" out from the crowd because of it. All I wanted to do was fit in. But last night, I realized how my mom probably felt while raising me. She did everything for me out of love. She tried her hardest to give me what she thought I wanted and I'm lucky for that. It has taken me a long time to realize that and having my own daughter has really helped, but I fear that it will take a lot longer for me to come to terms with it all. I also realized that Kylee is different from me and may not even care about being like every one else. I need to make sure I don't pass on that fear/insecurity to her by the way I act. So here's to the future and trying our best to do what we think is right. And here's to forgiveness and understanding of our past, in hopes to make our future free from worry.
p.s. I started the tutu and so far, it looks pretty good, if I do say so myself! :)

Motherhood is HARD STUFF!

Motherhood is hard stuff. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Each day is good, yes, but there are little battles all day long that you have to win to keep your head above water. At the end of the day, you literally feel like you've won a million battles, or maybe lost a million because you've screamed for the last time at your adorable children/toddler to get into bed and feel pretty guilty about it. You know when you're at the grocery store and there's a mother with children that seem to be entertaining everyone in the store. Not the "cute" entertainment, but the kind that consumes the focus and quiet etiquette that should come with grocery shopping. Sometime in the past I have watched one of "those" kind of mothers lose it and yell at her children for all to hear. I admittedly say that I've even thought to myself "man, that mother obviously doesn't handle things well, can't she get her children under control?" and smiled as I walked by. SHAMEFUL. Well, yesterday, I am proud to say that I was the chosen mother with the screaming children. Kylee was unable to talk normally at the store, everything was a crying shout. Not exaggerating here, "ETHAN HIT ME >>>WAHHHHH" Then I get the "look" from a passing shopper. Then it's Ethan because Kylee won't let him touch her "WAAAHHHH" I think to myself, "maybe we could just go with out food this week" as I contemplate going home and forgetting the whole thing. But, alas, I sigh a deep breathe, pick up my lovely toddler, give her a cuddle and have a little chat (another one) about how she needs to use her words instead of crying. The normal bribery is agreed upon and she's back in the shopping cart to make it down one more isle in peace. Sigh. One more little battle won. I may not have the cutest clothes, the most flawless face, the cleanest designer home, the most "popular" family, the nicest biggest fancy car, the best behaved children, but gosh dang-it, I've got a good life and I love my children more than anything in the world. I so badly want them to be happy and learn the things in life that will help them achieve just that. And if I can win just "one more" battle today, then I think I'm doing pretty good. I hope that one day I won't feel like I'm just 'keeping my head above water' but actually swimming laps around my troubles. But for now, if I can just keep swimming without drowning and smile while doing it, then I'm OK with that!

Kylee's quote of the day after saying prayer in the car before leaving home: "Mummy, I was just talking to Heavenly Father! Did you know, there's two of them? (HF and Jesus I'm assuming) Just like my tutu!" Gotta love it.

I feel like I've been robbed of my little baby's past 11 mo. Where has the time gone and how did I get this lucky to have such a perfect little boy!!!!!! Forgive me for the brag session, but seriously, there is not one thing that is difficult about this child. He rarely cries, sleeps through the night (has since 12 weeks) teeths with hardly any crying, restlessness and always has a smile for me. His new thing is to give cuddles, not just laying on my shoulder, he pats my shoulder with one arm and holds the back of my head and twirls my hair with the other, looks up at me, smiles then nestles back into my shoulder. AWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this little boy!!!!! Doesn't he look so old in this photo???? It's hard to believe he is my little baby! Seriously overflowing with love right now. Just wanted to share. Thanks for reading :)