I have this problem. I have really good ideas and imagine grand and wonderful things but the actual carrying it out doesn't really seem to be a reality to me. It happened with my wedding and has happened a lot since. What I imagine and what actually happens are two VERY different things. I guess I don't realize what it takes to carry things out. The planning, the time, and the work. Well, this happened again, today.
My heart was actually racing before people had even arrived and even the people who came early to help, made me nervous. What are they going to think of me? Will they know that I actually can do things right, this just was a bad day? The first guess who arrived got put on streamer duty while the second to arrive got put on "bake the party pies" duty and the third to arrive got "blow up the balloons" duty. Luckily all of these people are my friends and know me, but I was still so embarrassed. I didn't pull it all together like I thought I would and the food table did not look like anything that would ever make it on pinterest (not. even. close.) Half way through I realized the veggies that were supposed to be beautifully cut and displayed never even made it out of the fridge drawer and the healthy almond ball things I was going to make for a gluten free friend were so not going to happen. ugh. At the point of wanting to go in my room and shut my door, a lovely friend gives me a hug and asks what she can do to help. I wish I knew! I can't really think straight so I can't tell you! And, as the house that I frantically cleaned became a tornado zone within 10 minutes in, I realize I've got to CHILL OUT! This is for the kids. Phrases like, "I don't know where the kitty costume is, go ask your daddy" or "Jeremy, Ethan needs you" and "It's in the dress up basket, go have a look yourself" start coming out and I suddenly realize I don't actually have to do everything and please every one! Aha! Yes! Genius!
Of course there's the fact that I didn't finish getting myself ready in time so my frizzy thick hair is a bit like a mane and my tired eyes look plain and I glance at myself feeling a bit guilty that I didn't take the time to get ready and my guests have put on make up buy I haven't!
Ok, seriously. Enough is enough! Who cares???!!!! Why do I worry so much about what people are thinking? Why do I compare myself and my capabilities with others'? Do you know what people said to me at the party once I finally chilled and chatted for awhile? They said that it was such a fun party and the kids had had a blast and were happy and entertained themselves! Not to mention, all the food was gone which means they mustn't have cared about how cute it looked and the party lasted much longer than I planned because none of the kids wanted to leave! So as I sit writing this out I have just realized that I view myself so differently than reality. I'm hard on myself, I doubt myself, I set unnecessary expectations on myself, I think I'm ugly, I think people can see right through me into all the ugly that's inside, I worry too much, and I usually think I need to change who I am, or at least alter what people think about me. Ugh, how negative am I? I really love being around positive people and actually have the capability to be quite positive myself but boy have I let myself go. I am going to try and remember all this now. I'm not going to say I'm going to change because I don't need to change who I am, I just need to practice letting out the good that's in me, and not let the negative stuff out. I need to feed the thoughts that I want to grow. I need to love myself and remember to build myself up. I managed to throw a party for my little girl. She was happy (most of the time) and that's really what matters.
And now, instead of FBing the night away, I blogged and that feels pretty good :)
Good night ya'll!
Chelsey
5 comments:
Wow, I can't believe she is 6! She's so cute, she's a mini you! The party looks so cute, I love the cupcakes! I love that you're posts are so honest, I feel that way a lot and it's nice to know I'm not alone! I would love to come visit you! When we were in Hawaii there were so many people there from Australia and it made me think of you!
It warms my heart that you took time out of your busy schedule to write such an honest blog about yourself. From my perspective you are a wonderful mother, wife and daughter of God. I only wish I were more a part of your life. Maybe that will change in the future as our lives play out. As your Father I have the most profound love and respect for the way you are living your life. Give yourself more credit and don't expect perfection in an invironment meant for growth through experience. You'll get the growth regardless of your need for things of this world to be better. Do what you feels is right and let Father fill in the gaps. As His daughter you are perfect in every way. Father does not create junk. He lets you live your life the way you create it and the experiences are for your refining fire. You will always please Him because He knows the intent of your heart and does support you as you live your life. You have precious children of your own now so you know of the love I have for you that is always tender and dear to my heart. You are loved beyond measure. Dad
We are so very much alike. It is so hard to not compare & try to be like others. Someone just said to me today (when I admitted that I forgot about something important): I always thought you had everything put together. You are the perfect mom!
I may seem like I have it all together all the time under all circumstances but deep down I'm just like everyone else. A mom doing her best with what she has. Love ya! The party looked great :) happy birthday cute girl. To me she is still the little chunk sitting next to Benjamin on your living room floor.
Ok first of all, I miss you like crazy! Second of all, you are gorgeous and one of the most genuine people I know. Throwing parties aint easy, that's why most people just buy a store bought cake and call it good. haha The party looks like it was a blast! I wish we didn't live so far from each other so I could come to your awesome parties. I am dying to catch up with you. I don't get on Skype that often anymore now that FaceTime is so convenient on the iPhone. I'd love to chat sometime. Let me know when the best time is to reach you and hopefully we can set up a time. Love you Chel!
I wish there was a like button...thanks for your lovely comments!
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